The first annual “Oh hell no” list of Christmas decor

As anyone who knows me knows…I am a total snob when it comes to outdoor Christmas decorations.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m not a Scrooge.  Very far from it, in fact.  I LOVE the holidays, and there’s nothing I love more than a beautifully decorated home.  I’m pretty particular about my taste for all decor, but I don’t really spend too much time getting all worked up over what people do inside their houses.  I don’t have to see that.  But I do have to see what’s outside.  And people…some of it is just uncalled for.  So, for the benefit of my thousands tens of readers…I present to you my (first) annual “Oh hell no” list. 

  1. First and foremost…inflatable shit is ridiculous.  Now, if you happen to own a car lot and you want to generate some 8\' HOW T/ GRINCH STOLE X-MAS LAWN INFLATABLE $40.0 Pictures, Images and Photosholiday sales by having a giant waving Santa on top of your showroom…go for it.  But if you’re living in the middle of suburbia, there is absolutely no reason for having anything that blows up in your yard.  Sadly, these stupid things keep gaining popularity, and there are now multiple sub-groups of horrible inflatable crap.  The worst of the worst  are the ginormous cartoon characters. You know you’ve seen them…the 15 foot tall Grinch, Bart Simpson sitting on a stack of presents, Mickey Mouse dressed as Santa.  Blech.  What possesses people to think they look good?  Now, I realize that many people obviously like them, and if that’s you…please do me a favor.  If you must have the shit, at least keep it inflated.  Nothing gives me the Christmas chills like a giant lump of uninflated nonsense on someone’s front yard at two in the afternoon.  What the hell is that???
  2. Christmas Lights.  I love lights.  But if you’re going to choose to have Christmas Lights Pictures, Images and Photoslights…please choose a f’in theme and stick with it.  White lights or colored?  Not both.  Big bulbs or small?  Consistently on or blinking?  Nothing (well, aside from those things already mentioned in #1) makes me more irritated than a house that has continuously illuminated colored lights…except for that one blue string mixed in there that’s blinking in a pattern that is sure to induce a seizure in someone.  I just don’t understand how someone can stand back after finishing their day of decorating, and look at that one obnoxious bit of blinking madness and think “That looks fabulous.”  Trust me, I know what a pain in the ass hanging lights is.  I know you don’t want to redo it.  But that’s why you test the lights.  If 9 out of 10 strands are doing the same thing…for God’s sake, take that last one out
  3. Along the same lines…Christmas lights are just that.  Christmas lights.  Not February lights.  Not July lights.  Take the shit down.  Please.  And if you just can’t, for whatever reason, take them down…at least turn them on!  I hate driving down the street in September and seeing nasty old icicle lights hanging from someone’s awning.  Tasteless.
  4. Themes.  Pick one.  Are you going tasteful and classy…white lights and swags on the windows?  Are you going whimsical Santas?  Or maybe you’re more conservative and go for the religious theme?  Even within my strict rules…there is room for everyone.  As long as you pick a genre and go with it.  Don’t have your inflatable Snoopy in a sled smack up against your illuminated nativity scene.  Or block the view of the simple white candles in your windows with a snow globe that sings Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree. 
  5. Animated reindeer.  You know what I’m talking about.  Those lit-up things (some are white wire, others are brown twiggy lights Pictures, Images and Photosthings) that people put in their yard with the moving heads.  I don’t actually mind the idea of them…as long as they aren’t moving.  You aren’t fooling anyone.  We know those reindeer aren’t actually grazing on your grass or leaping into the sky.   And when they get old and don’t move as well as they did when you bought them…they just look spazzy and weird. 
  6. LED Crap.  I’m not actually sure what this type of decoration is really called.  Is it hologram?  LED?  It’s a relatively new thing, and until I know for sure what it’s called I’m just going to call it fucking ugly.  These things take tasteless lights to a whole new level.  Even worse is when they’re animated.  Animated things in general are just bad.   Just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about…
  7. Photobucket

  8. Candy canes.  Candy canes are meant to be small, sugary, minty pieces of heaven that you eat.  Not giant plastic stakes that you place along your walkway in a lame attempt to decorate.   Enough said.

I honestly could go on forever.  I told y’all…I’m a total snob when it comes to this.  My snobbery has lead to many arguments with my kids throughout the years, but I’ve stood my ground and my efforts are beginning to pay off.  In fact, just last year while at WalMart (looking for simple, tasteful white lights), Boog saw a couple looking at the obnoxious inflatable shit and said “Why do they want that? Those are ugly!”  Normally, I’d be embarrassed by his lack of social etiquette and I’d have a talk with him about the art of biting your tongue.  But in this case, I let it go.  His wife will thank me for it later. 

Although, I do have to finish this off by saying that if you’re going to go tacky…then go tacky.  The only time I find blinking lights, inflatable eyesores, and a path of plastic candle sticks circa 1974 leading to a beautifully illuminated nativity next to the Grinch is when it’s all there.  In all it’s shameless glory.  I have many fond memories as a kid of driving around looking at the “crazy houses” with my family, and my kids love it just as much as me.  So if you’re gonna go big…dammit, do it right. 

Christmas Lights Pictures, Images and Photos

   

 

***sorry to anyone this offended.  You’re entitled to your taste (yes, I’m talking to you, Julie) and I’m entitled to my opinion.  Happy decorating everyone!!!

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9 Responses

  1. well i am glad you said that so i didnt have to. i think blue lights should be banned and if your lights are obviously for a drifferent holiday such as black and orange then dont put them up yes i have seen that and it makes me sick. oh but julie i still love you!

  2. Amen. I agree to all of them. I despise the Winnie the Pooh inflatable the absolute most.

  3. Yes…I am the one everyone is talking about and I just have to say, ” Bah Hum Bug!” I love the whole mess of christmas lights and stuff and you all can kiss my big white a**! I do love you all very much though. XOXO

  4. ITA for the most part! Although, do take into consideration, and let me just say I absolutely detest blow up shit, too, that there may be an alternate reason for people having it… Take some of the people in our neighborhood, for instance… We have some rebellious souls that deck their yards out in giant santas and reindeer popping out of presents just for one reason and one reason only… To totally annoy and piss off the neighborhood bitch.

    None of us like them, me least of all, but we all encourage them… Just to piss her the fuck off. And it works. Like a charm. And we laugh our asses off.

    Let me also say that while I encourage every other neighbor to adorn their yard with them, I have yet to let my husband do the same…. Oh well. I can only take it so far. It’s funny in your yard.

  5. did that not show up?

  6. nevermind. I’m a dumbass.

  7. I couldn’t stop laughing after #1.

    I thought I was losing it when I contemplated buying an inflatable Santa at WalMart last year (it was an unbelievable sale; I was going through manic two-year old whining negotiations)… but then it hit me, I may be a suburban minivan driving soccer mom, but there IS a limit.

    Great tips, all of them.

  8. Damn you and your list! I cannot look at any Christmas decorations and not wonder, “What would Mandi say?” or “That’s a violation!” It’s so funny!

  9. I love your site!

    _____________________
    Experiencing a slow PC recently? Fix it now!

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