Balance

justice Pictures, Images and PhotosI just can’t seem to find any.  Anywhere.  At all.  And i think that’s a big part of my “problem” in life…or at least my perceived problem.  I can’t ever seem to have everything just right.  I’ve talked before about the internal conflict and feelings of guilt I have from time to time about being a working mom.  I can’t ever seem to find the right balance between the energy expended at work and the energy required at home.  I don’t know if it’s because my job is extremely mentally and emotionally draining or what but it just feels like (well…doesn’t just feel like…there truly isn’t) enough time in my days/weeks to get done what needs to get done.  Most people in my position put in extra hours, and I’m sorry…I just can’t do that.  I don’t have enough time with my kids as it is, I’m sure as hell not going to work late and go in on the weekends.  Especially if my paycheck won’t reflect it. So what do I do?  Bust my ass at 210% all day.  And where does that get me??? Exhausted at the end of the day and feeling guilty that I can’t be the supermom I envision I should be.  (to be fair to myself…I do a lot with my kids.  I just have unhealthy and completely unrealistic standards for myself.  I know this.)  If I choose to spend some serious time with my kiddos, like I did this weekend…where does that get me? Completely stressing about not finishing the things I need to do for my clients.  And where does that get me??? 

Sick.  Run down, exhausted, and failed by my poor excuse for an immune system.  Ya know where THAT gets me???

At home.  On my couch.  Feeling guilty as I stare at the laptop and the pile of charts and reports I brought home over the weekend “just in case.”  Feeling guilty about swinging through Wendy’s for dinner and encouraging my kids to watch the Scooby Doo Halloween special because I’m too sick and tired to actively engage with them.  (though again the little voice in my head…the tiny rational one that always get suffocated by my hugely unrealistic standards…feels the need to defend myself again because I did take them to ToysRUs to spend their piggy bank money after school and played grandma to Drama’s baby while helping Boog build a new Lego spaceship before the TV started babysitting)

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On another note…while I was out with the kids today, at ToysRUS, I kinda wondered why the lady checking us out was looking at me weirdly.  Kinda like when you encounter a person with a really lazy eye and you aren’t sure which one to look out and you find yourself very intensely staring at the bridge of their nose praying they can’t tell when you know damn well that they can.  Only she was the looker and my chest was the lazy eye.  I thought it was weird, and it made me a little uncomfortable (probably how that poor lazy eyed person feels when you look at their nose), but I just blew it off as another person entranced by my lovely boobies.  Or I just thought she was weird.  I’ll let you choose. 

Then I got in the car and felt something weird when I sat down.  It was my underwire.  Sticking completely out of the top of my shirt. 

Bitch could’ve said something.

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5 Responses

  1. OK….the last part made me laugh so hard I had tears……
    I have sympathy for the first part. I only have ONE child and feel like I can’t get anything done, don’t spend enough time with him, etc etc etc…..I can only imagine how you feel with two!

  2. I’m back to stalking your blog – it is just the perfect quick work distraction! And whenever I’m feeling sorry for myself at work, because my job is “so hard” and I have “no time,” I look at you and am always impressed – and it makes me stop feeling sorry for myself. You are a superstar and you ARE balancing everything, at least in my eyes. Even if you were to only do the bare minimum at your job, you’d still be contributing more to the world than most of us…so maybe that’s all you need to do. And as for your kids – c’mon. Could there be a more well-adjusted, better parented pair of children? I think not.

  3. Maybe she thought you were an illegal alien and that was your antenna.

    I can relate to not feeling like I measure up to supermom. I bet if you ask your kids they think you’re great.

  4. I know the “unbalanced” feeling all too well, sistah. Hang in there!

  5. LMFAO. As I read this quickly at work the first time, I thought it was your underWEAR sticking out of the top of your shirt. I have been seriously pondering how much you have changed in the past year that you wear underwear big enough to come out of the TOP of your shirt. LOL. Thanks for the chuckle.

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