***Warning…the following post contains material that may not be suitable for mature audiences.  If you are easily offended by bodily functions…do not read any further.  You have been warned.***

If ever you find yourself in the candy aisle at CVS and you happen upon a bag of these:

Do NOT buy them.  Yes, they do satisfy the craving for chocolate while saving a ton of calories.  But they contain a ridiculous amount of sugar alcohols, which…when combined with the right amount of coffee…can be disastrous. 

So, I was lamenting in my previous post about the terrible, noxious gas that these “treats” create.  It was bad…my stomach sounded like a demon was trying to burst out for most of the afternoon, and I was emitting a smell that was not normal.  Said smell was especially offensive to Dramamama and her reaction was pretty comical.  She was pretty whiny this evening (shocking, I know), and when it was bath time and she was still whiny…I told her that if I heard anymore whining I was going to fart on her.  Is that normal?  Maybe for a teenage brother to say, but a mom?! I really don’t care, but I was just curious  I went into the other bathroom to clean while Snoop helped out with the bath.  A few minutes later…I heard the whining and went in to investigate.  I asked if she was whining, and Snoop (unaware of my previous threat and rumbling stomach) confirmed that yes, indeed, she was.  Being a good mommy, I know that consistency and follow-thru is key in raising children, so I turned around, bent over, and forced out a fart. 

One problem.

I shit my pants. 

I stood up and sprinted back to the other bathroom…cleaned myself up…and disposed of the evidence.  When I walked back into the bedroom…sans pants…and told Snoop there would be no more sugar free chocolate for me, he looked at me with the most dumbfounded look I have ever seen and asked me:

“Did you just shit in my face?”

So. Not. Cool. 

So I beg of you, dear readers…do NOT give into the allure of sugar free chocolate.  You may save yourself some calories, but you are sacrificing a lifetime of pride. 


11 Responses

  1. that’s my “lady” for ya. She shits in my face and I still stick around. Now THAT is love!

  2. you are one classy lady. i love it

  3. that is hysterical!!! what a good mommy teaching your kids to shit in faces!!!

  4. OMFG, that’s hysterical! Sorry you had to shit your pants, though… But, it does make for one funny as hell story!

  5. You have my nomination for Mother of the Year. That was freakin’ hilarious!

  6. Oh…my….god…..I can SO relate! My “sugar free farts” are a HUGE joke around my house. And now my boys, because they don’t know the meaning of family loyalty, have divulged this top secret information to their ENTIRE gymnastics team. Traitors!

  7. That’s great that you can shart on demand. No wonder your husband loves you!


  8. Thanks for the warning! I’ll stick to the real chocolate, I guess.

  9. Thanks for the laugh:) I totally forgot about the word “shart” until Karen mentioned it up there! It’s not everyday you get to say, “OMG, I just sharted!”

  10. I am not sure how I found this sight.. but that is the funniest thing I have seen in quite a while!

  11. Searched sinuses and ended up on your website somehow.
    Funny as hell story – – – I was laughing so loud that my daughter
    came to check on me. I really needed that laugh – gotta go and
    wipe my tears!!!

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