Phone home…

So we all remember this guy, right?

E.T

He’s fuckin’ awesome.

Until he scares the absolute shit out of your daughter, depriving her of sleep for days and nights on end, and causes her to become scared of everything imaginable. 

So here’s the background… A few weeks ago, Snoop and I were talking about him and the kids had no idea who we were referring to.  I decided to show them a clip of the movie on youtube…honestly thinking they’d love it.  I mean, I remember going to the theatre when I was 4 or 5 to see it and LOVING it.  I still love it!  I was hoping to find the clip of when Elliot and his friends are riding their bikes and they go flying up in the air.  But what I actually played was the very end scene when ET’s spaceship returns and he goes back home.  Boog loved it…thought he was a little freaky looking, but otherwise cool.  Typically he’s the big baby of the family (we can’t even pretend to laugh like a witch without him going into a panic attack), so I thought we were cool. 

Wrong.

Drama was SO freaked out by him.  It was the voice (which I suppose is a little weird), but she got over it pretty well when I promised her I wouldn’t ever make her watch it again if she didn’t want to.  We obsessed over ET for a few days, then it was over. 

Until now.

Wouldn’t you fucking know it…ET is going to be shown on Nickelodeon.  Which means that there are now commercials on for it.  She’s been surprised by one a total of maybe 4 times in the last week and it has ruined her forever.  She now can’t have any lights off, is scared to be alone in her room, doesn’t want to go to the bathroom alone, and has had nightmares every night (leading to her ending up in my bed…thereby ruining my chances at a good night’s sleep as well)…all because ET has invaded her little brain.  I’m trying to be sensitive…I know kids go thru some weird shit sometimes and they just need a little extra love, reassurance that he is NOT real, and they’ll be fine.  But this girl is killing me.  I’m sure she is scared…but (as always) there is some classic Dramamama bullshit thrown in.  Just for fun.  Or to make me want to rip every hair out of my head. 

  • Bullshit moment number one…
  • sitting on the toilet in my bathroom before bed two nights ago…the wind was blowing outside

    Drama: “Mommy…what are ET’s powers?”
    Me: “Powers? ET doesn’t really have powers baby.”
    Drama: “Yes he does. What are they?”
    Me: “Ummm…he can make phones out of little boys’ toys?”
    Drama: “No…like his super powers.”
    Me: “Super powers? Ummm…he can make bikes fly…that’s kinda cool.”
    Drama: “No. That’s not it.”
    Me: “Then I don’t know.”
    Drama: “He can turn invisible and become wind.”
    Me: “No, babe. He can’t. That’s the wind, it’s not ET.”
    Drama: “Oh.” (look on her face read ‘damn…that didn’t work at all’)

  • Bullshit moment number two…
  • Tucking her into bed…had just turned off her ceiling fan…

    Drama: (cowering away from fan, terrified look on face) “Eeeahhh”
    Me: “What’s wrong?”
    Drama: “It’s scaring me.”
    Me: (looking up in total confusion) “What is?!”
    Drama: (pointing) “That is!”
    Me: “The fan???”
    Drama: “Uh-huh”
    Me: “Why on earth is the fan scaring you?!”
    Drama: “Because it makes me think about ET.”
    Me: “That’s ridiculous, Drama. How can a fan make you think of ET?”
    Drama: “It makes me think about ET because it is going very slooooowly, and ET walks very slooooowly.”
    Me: “OK, that’s just dumb. You’re trying to come up with reasons why you can’t go to bed.”
    Drama: “No I’m not. It does make me think about ET and now I’m going to have nightmares about him.”
    Me: “I think you’re fibbing.”
    Drama: (smirking) “I just think I need to sleep with you.”

  • Bullshit moment number three…
  • Tonight…as Snoop was getting her ready for bed…

    Snoop: “Ok, Drama…you need to sleep in your bed tonight.”
    Drama: “But I don’t want to!”
    Snoop: “Why not?”
    Drama: “I just don’t want to.”
    Snoop: “Well, you have to sleep in your bed. Because maybe I’d like to sleep in my bed.”
    Drama: “Maybe I can just sleep in the middle.”
    Snoop: “But there’s not enough room for everyone if you sleep in the middle.”
    Drama: blank stare
    Snoop: “Hmmmm…I think I have an ET doll around here somewhere that I’m going to sleep with.”
    Drama: (terrified look) “No daddy! Not ET!”
    Snoop: “Well then you wouldn’t want to sleep in there, right?”
    Drama: “Are you really going to put an ET doll in there?!”
    Snoop: “No, sweetie…I don’t really have an ET doll.”
    ~~30 second break while Drama goes about her 4 year old girly business~~
    Drama: (shaking finger at Snoop, very stern look on face) “And don’t you dare go buy yourself an ET doll.”

These are only a few of the hundreds of ridiculous conversations we’ve had about that damn alien in the last two days.  I had no idea he’d terrorize me so much. 

And what’s worst is that Boog can’t WAIT to watch it.  What happened to my children? They’ve completely switched roles on me…I don’t know how to deal with a terrified girl!!!

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5 Responses

  1. I like bullshit moment number 2 the best. You gotta hand it to her….she’s got quite an imagination!

    I can sympathize….I was the same way. I was the girl that couldn’t watch Scooby Doo as a kid. Still don’t like it.

  2. That is hilarious! I can’t believe this is the first I am hearing about this! Remember my ET impression? I will have to video it on my phone and sent it to you…it could come in handy! Muaah-ah-ah! ;p

  3. Remember the ET Atari game????

    We’ve been noticing those commercials on Nick in the Trenches too. Not gonna happen though. Hell, I’m already too sleep deprived as it is.

  4. once again i am laughing out loud at my computer. i have to hand it to snoop, that was quite an amazing strategy to fake her out with the idea of an e.t. doll.

  5. C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Little girls know how to rock it. My three year old is the master!

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