For hire

Frazzled suburban working mom currently seeking personal slave assistant for immediate hire. Qualified individuals will possess inhuman desire to please others. Intrinsic motivation is a must, and highest regard will be given to those applicants that do not require monetary compensation. Duties and responsibilities are as follows:

  • Providing well-rounded, 100% organic meals that are appealing to children, incredibly picky women, and insatiable men alike, to be served between the hours of 5:30-6:30. Experience in fancy food presentation (e.g., heart shaped pancakes, broccoli trees, colored milk in accordance with season and/or holiday) is a plus.
  • Locating, laundering, folding, ironing, and (if necessary) dry cleaning all clothing within a timely manner (i.e., no longer than one day after wearing). Said laundry will be neatly placed in appropriate drawers and closets. Socks will be paired. Bras will be properly laundered to insure underwires do not become bent and/or exposed. Damaged clothing (ripped pants, missing buttons) will be immediately identified and mended. If mending is not possible, replacement garments will be procured within 24 hours.
  • Consistently providing, at a minimum, 27 options of boxer shorts, t-shirts, and jeans for 6-yr old boy; bearing in mind OCD tendencies, sensory sensitivities, manipulative abilities, and inconsistent bullshit moments.
  • Reading mind of 4-yr old drama queen each and every morning, correctly guessing desired combination of underwear, tights, dresses, capris, jeans, gouchos, t-shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, and/or princess attire in 5 minutes or less. Assist in dressing as requested by said queen, assuring clothing articles are put on in proper order and do not mess up hair, smudge dried nail polish, create wedgie, or otherwise “bother” the queen.
  • Checking throughout the day that a minimum of two rolls of toilet paper are available in all bathrooms. In addition, empty rolls will be removed from roll-holder thing immediately and replaced by new roll, with paper hanging from bottom of roll.
  • Scheduling appointments and meetings on time and well in advance including (but not limited to) dental appointments, pediatrician appointments, OBGYN appointments, psychiatrist appointments, therapy appointments, vet appointments, eye exams, hair appointments, parent-teacher conferences, vehicle maintenance, termite control, lawn care, and any and all miscellaneous appointments deemed as important. Appointments will be scheduled with sensitivity to manager’s professional hours/appointments, hormonal cycles, and unpredictable mood. Reminder calls, emails, and texts will be sent to manager at increasingly frequent intervals as appointments near.
  • Burning fresh, new, hip, and eclectic CDs upon request, ensuring that no songs are corrupted.
  • Transcribing live dictation during working hours. Familiarity with psychological, educational, and medical terms is necessary so as to prevent typos and increase typing speed. Typing tests may be given at any time, without prior notice, to maintain highest productivity.
  • Researching motorcycle maintenance, performance and accessories, shitty music, satellite and radio frequency stuff, and all other topics deemed important to provide consistent stimulating and reciprocal conversation to manager’s husband.
  • Listening to endless hours of pre-teen pop music, clarifying and explaining meaning of lyrics to children in household, and learning accompanying dance moves. Starring in living room performances of said songs/dances at request of children.
  • Grooming cats regularly to prevent discovery of hidden hairballs and other feline upchuck. Should grooming not serve to be completely effective in prevention, immediate clean up of all piles of “kitty yuck” and subsequent scrubbing of carpet is expected.
  • Predicting request(s) of, and providing massages and other relaxation assistive techniques to manager.
  • Ensuring constant supply of alcoholic beverages to include various beer and wine (both red and white) selections.
  • Packing lunches daily for children and manager. Lunches for children will include desired, food choices using USDA food pyramid guidelines. Care will be taken to ensure main courses are not repeated too frequently, and proper types of cheese will be used for each child, given current preferences. Presentation of meals will be in accordance with “Mommy of the Year” award criteria (e.g., eco-friendly, cute containers, uniquely shaped sandwiches, fruit kabobs) and will include personalized love notes to boost child’s self-esteem and adoration of manager. Manager’s lunches will include foods with maximum taste and minimal calories.
  • Responding to all post-bedtime requests for music volume adjustments, turning on/off of fan, adjustment of covers, leg rubs, fresh water, and removal of cats from room.

In addition, considered applicants should posses sarcastic sense of humor, love and knowledge of pop culture, awareness of current trends in autism treatment, interest in analytical conversation, appreciation of mindless TV, eclectic music taste, and keen sense of fashion. Must be willing to adjust tone and/or content of conversation at moment’s notice. Individuals with fulfilling social lives and/or family obligations need not apply.

Acceptance of position assumes understanding of above duties and requirements. Responsibilities are subject to change at any time, without prior notice, at discretion of manager.


5 Responses

  1. ooooh, all of that and a little thrown in for me too. How did I get so lucky? Baby….you da greatest! When do we start interviewing?

  2. Damn, and I thought MY girls were picky about their clothes.

    You know, when we send Dramamama and Spawn to military boarding school we won’t have to deal with that shi-ot in the morning. Do they take 3 year olds?

  3. “FOR HIRE” Someone to read this rediculously long list of duties and responsibilities. Are you kidding me

  4. When you find one give me that person’s twin, but mine must include babysitting duties so i can have some mommy is going crazy time because mr sensitive is crying, the evil genuis had another ear infection, and my sweet baby just threw up in my hair again. I cant wait to meet said person:)

  5. I’d apply but considering I JUST remembered yesterday that my 11 year old had a well check appointment back on March 24th….and considering the fact that my own house is only presentable once every 2 weeks when the cleaning lady has been around….I just don’t think I’m qualified.

    BTW- something else in common – my 9 year old also has *OCD tendencies, sensory sensitivities, manipulative abilities, and inconsistent bullshit moments.*

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