Dear Mr. Mouse,

I guess I could take it as a compliment that you like my home.  I provide you with lots of paper towels to rip up under the sink.  I didn’t clean up the kitchen that one night I was too drunk  tired and offered you a nice buffet of fish sticks, popcorn shrimp, and fries on the stove.  I hid that tube of the cat’s hairball medicine way back in the junk drawer where no one else could access it but you.  But it’s time for you to leave, and it’s not going to be pretty.  When I found you running around in the bottom of the trash can last month, you wooed me with your cute little mousey eyes and I took you outside and set you free.  You must not remember the little talk we had on the way out the door, when I told you to never come back to my house or I’d kill you.  I’ve gotta give you credit, Mr. Mouse.  You are a sneaky little fucker…I didn’t even know you were still here until I decided to clean behind my breadbox yesterday and found your little stash of buffet left-overs, a lollipop stick, and 752 turds.  Have you no standards, Mr. Mouse? It’s really not sanitary to shit where you eat, nor is it OK for you to be in my house.  I meant what I said when we last met, and in the words of Dramamama, “we’re gonna kill you, then murder you, then kill you again.”  You might be able to avoid those traps I set up for a day or two, but not forever.  I’m gonna find you.  You’re going down, Mr. Mouse. 

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4 Responses

  1. WAY too funny!
    How disrespectful – did he learn from my girls that he can crap in the house?
    Damn mouse.

  2. Let’s just hope that Mr. Mouse isn’t really MRS. Mouse or you could have an entire colony of the furry little friends!!!

  3. Oh, that’s my crazy mouse killing wife. I miss you baby.

  4. i just wrote a comment about the mouse, but word press told me i am commenting too quickly. slow down!!! i’m not kidding – that’s what i said word for word and then it didn’t even post my comment. i am laughing so hard right now. but anyways my original comment was that stacy makes a good point. natalie may have tons of little mice that she can kill, murder, and kill again

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